Urban Survival Basics (Part two)

Can I eat it?

Society is a wonderful thing, gifting us with great inventions like “refrigeration” and the 5.000 mile supply chain. Which have become the two pillars of our culinary lifestyle. When all Hell breaks loose, these two are the first two to be broken. refrigeration depending on electricity and the supply chain depending on tere being, how can I put it gently, a supply chain.

So what do you do when all hell breaks loose? Index your food by durability and munch your way from the top down starting with frozen meat and fish. Then come perishable dairy Items and cut bread, followed by Fresh fruit and vegetables, uncut bread, canned and dried foods, coming to MRE’s (heed the expiry date) and dried pasta. Dried pasta will keep forever if stored in a dry place and not discovered by vermin.

Talking of Pasta, coming up: the Pastravaganza for the en-vogue survivalist.


A quick reference table

Camping is basically survival 101 and a great way to train your disaster preparedness. Today I stumbled across an Image which fits great wit our foodie theme:

Thank you Roger Morgan.  Image discovered on imgur.com

Thank you Roger Morgan.
Image discovered on imgur.com

The gallery also contained lots of other helpful instructions, mostly not food related. If you are interested visit the gallery here. The gallery will open in a new window.

Urban Survival Basics (part one)

Hello dear followers,

Before I “get down to basics” lets get serious for a moment here. I am not really expecting the Zombie apocalypse, a pandemic or World War three around the corner. As much as I like to joke about these things, the real disasters happen much closer to home. If you watch the news and see livelihoods destroyed by F7 tornadoes, hurricanes or wildfires, you are seeing someones apocalypse happening live and in color on your TV. Now imagine yourself in their place.

If you are lucky you have gotten out of the wreckage with your health, family and hopefully your pets alive and unharmed. But your home, your source of income, your shelter all lay in ruins. Disaster relief may be on its way, but depending on the size of the carnage and the amount of infrastructure damage it may take days, weeks or even months before you can get any help.

This is when it pays to be prepared.

Disaster preparedness is the difference between being able to pick up the pieces and move on or being dependent on others. It is the difference of trading a bottle of water and a pack of dry pasta for help in cleaning the wreckage or getting shot by looters at the supermarket over the last carton of eggs.

But while this blog is about food (and hilarious delicious injuries) I do want to save your life too. So:

Rule 1:
If the authorities tell you to get out, get out!
The call to evacuate is never an easy one to make. After all cities want to have stores open, and people shopping, dining and working as soon as the storm is weathered and the skies have cleared. It is how they make money and survive after all. It means, that they expect significant loss of life should people stay. And that means you.
Yes your house may be looted or destroyed, but wouldn’t you rather not be there to see it happen? Live now so you can act later.

Rule 2:
Help those in need and you will be helped (not just during dire situations, but you knew that).

Rule 3:
Peel it or boil it or throw it away. Most people don’t thrive in bad environments, bacteria do (canned goods are exempt, but probably better cooked anyways).

Rule 4:
Stash where you stay. Live in Tornado Alley? Food goes in the storm shelter. Expect an evacuation? Move stuff to the most spacious vehicle.

Yes, lots of “duh’s” may be had, but I had to say it. A good source for Information on emergency supplies is ready.gov.

I am BACK!

Did the Zombies get me? No! Did I burn my house down? Not yet. What in sweet demise was I doing then when I wasn’t feeding my dear readers? Well, two things. I wrote. A lot. No not here. I have been doing some cool work for my clients at raap studios. Who gracefully booked me solid.

Since I do pay rent, money comes first. Sorry people, but rest assured I still like you.

Second: I am a Dad now! So, time for some hands-on disaster area training. Seriously, I need to clean up the house (again). If anybody has Bulldozers to rent on the cheap, hit me up.


Good News: In future I commit myself. Fresh content each week!

Next up: Urban Survival Basics or The preparedness Food Pyramid



Source: Oregon Trail by TLC The Learning Company 1974

Source: Oregon Trail by TLC The Learning Company 1974

About last the last posts headline, which admittedly was a bit confusing. It was meant to say ‘Don’t be Insane and eat all your food in one serving, ration it wisely and save leftovers’ which makes for a far less enticing and unwieldy headline. so I took a shortcut and left you in the dark. You are smart, you’ll figure it out.

What has happened to me since then, that I haven’t been posting? Did I cook and eat my right arm to write a scathing review of the meal and am only now re-learning to type? No, sadly I have lately been writing different things, namely job applications. So I was job hunting. The good news: I have spotted the Oregon Trail equivalent of a buffalo. It might just be the best job in the world for me, so keep your fingers crossed.

Since I am already on the subject of hunting, let’s elaborate. If push comes to shove, should you go and hunt? The obvious Answer is “Yes!”. After all, meat has lots of the stuff our body can use. Proteins, fats and some rare vitamins even. Also it is a great way of supplementing dwindling stores and might just be your only source of fresh food during the winter months.


Hunting is not for everyone. It might be illegal in your area (you might need a permit and not have one), so if the time of need is temporary and you aren’t about to die you might face consequences later on. If you live in an urban area, your choice of game may be very limited. Pigeons, crows, seagulls and rats eat garbage and are more likely to give you worms or the black plague than filling you up. Squirrels might be your only (feasible) option.

Also you really need to know what you are doing. And I am not talking about maybe just nicking a wild boar and making it (rightfully) go bazonkas. Killing an animal might actually be the technically easiest part of hunting. If you don’t know how to skin, disembowel and preserve an animal it won’t help you one bit. You will have just wasted Ammunition. So, if you are inclined toward eating squirrel, wild boar, deer, elk or other animals once the need arises you better get your skills (and permits) ahead of time.

And if you can’t stomach skinning and disemboweling another being, maybe you shouldn’t be eating meat. But you certainly shouldn’t be hunting.

Don’t be insane and ration

That fry bread sure is delicious and filling. In fact you are looking at 3000 calories right there! So, if you wolfed it down in one sitting, congratulations, you just had about two days worth of food on the apocalypse calorie counter. Sadly, it won’t give you extra energy, but it will give you heartburn. So be careful with that package.

Oh, talking about burns, this is my superficial first degree oil burn, well one of the many at least and the most shapely one.


Another brief reminder NOT TO FRY THINGS! But if you have already done that and are now left with the calorie a-bomb of breads, here is what to do…

Although fry bread tastes best hot (any bread really does), you should split it up and consume it over a stretch of two to four days. Briefly toasting it over a fire won’t hurt and bring some flavor back. Best break it it into little pieces, stick those on a fork and roast them over a fire or the flame of your gas cooker like you would do with s’mores.

If you like you can dip the re-toasted pieces in a tasty bean paste to add some protein to them starches and fats.

Tasty Bean Paste

  • 1 can of kidney beans
  • 1/2 can of sardines
  • some pepper

Drain about 1/2 or 2/3 of the water from the kidney beans. Take a spoon and mash into a paste (a real survivalist will mash them in the can they came in). Take some of the sardines from a can, but no more than half of the can. Drain them of as much oil as possible, as the fry bread is already quite greasy. Add the sardines to the beans and sprinkle liberally with ground pepper. stir carefully and don’t break up the sardines too much.

Enjoy with some fry bread, vodka and pickles.

Oh, and don’t throw away the other half of the sardines, because when there is fry bread and bean paste for dinner, you can fry the leftover sardines like bacon in the morning. It won’t taste like bacon of course, as they are sardines, but a fatty fish in the morning is a good energy boost for the day and can last you well until lunch or beyond. Waste not, want not.

Unless we are talking about zombies. then waste ’em all!

Garlic Fry Bread

Today, I nearly burned the house down. I thought fry bread was easy and delicious. At least I was half right. So fair warning: If you haven’t fried anything in a pot or a pan, DON’T!

To kill yourself with bread you will need:

  • 3 cups self rising flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups warm water
  • Oil, for frying

Mix the flour, salt and the water in a bowl




knead inside the bowl, but don’t overwork it.

DSC05219Store in a cool place for an hour.


Put oil into pot or pan, remove anything and everything flammable, put on protective clothing, check insurance policies on ramshackle post-apocalyptic hut, cry.



Heat until… well… hot. (I waited till it made bubbles on my wooden spoon, then I pinched off a pea size drop of dough and tested.)

Take a Flattened piece of dough, no thicker than your pinkie and place in pan.DSC05228(this way too thick, you’ll see.)

DSC05231Fry one side until golden brown

DSC05232then the other side.

If yours was too thick as this was, wait to cool, cut in half and fry the insides again.


DSC05236A perfect fry bread looks like this: DSC05239Dust with garlic powder.


It is really good, sadly I have oil droplet burns all over me and nearly burnt our place down.

5 Points for taste
0 Points for Apocalypse readiness.